20 Assumptions About Marriage Men in Balance™
- Conflict is inevitable so trying to avoid it is futile. Learning to manage it is imperative.
- Men and women have fundamentally different ways of viewing the same information which can cause unexpected communication problems in a marriage.
- Most of our ideas about what constitutes a "healthy" marriage are formed in our family of origin and will probably not match that of our spouse.
- Our individual ego and pride can be major obstacles to a healthy marriage.
- Speaking up for our own needs in a marriage is not only healthy, it is essential.
- The demands and stress of maintaining a family can and likely will create distance between spouses. A conscious effort to reduce that distance is critical to a healthy marriage.
- Differences in sexual appetite between spouses is normal but needs to be negotiated in a mutually agreeable manner.
- Most marriages will need some counseling from an outside source at some point. Both parties must be willing to participate and be willing to change for the sake of the marriage.
- Too much attention to career(s) or other distractions can cause couples to drift apart.
- Healthy marriages require intentional effort and routine maintenance.
- Romantic love may be the beginning foundation of a relationship, but will not sustain a marriage over time. Adjustment and modification of the definition of love must change as the marriage matures.
- There is no "formula" for what constitutes a good marriage. A “good” marriage is determined by the individuals and what works practically for them.
- Communication is one of the most troublesome hurdles in most relationships, and certainly is in marriage. Good communication is a skill which can be learned.
- Blended families and mixed marriages have unique problems which will get worse if not dealt with.
- Open dialogue is essential to a truly healthy marriage and this requires that both parties be open and transparent in their discussions. This may be more difficult for men in some cases, but it is a skill that can be learned.
- Money, sex, children, discipline, career, religion and family are among the most troublesome issues for most marriages.
- Second and third marriages tend to have even lower success rates than first marriages, indicating that we don’t learn from our mistakes.
- Wounds we carry from childhood (and which we may not even be aware of) can cause problems in any relationship but are almost guaranteed to cause problems in marriage because of its demand for intimacy and closeness.
- Children can become accomplished manipulators of parents. It is extremely important that both parents be "on the same page" regarding discipline and family expectations.
- Absolute and unconditional trust between partners may be an impossible ideal, but must be constantly the goal.
Regarding #8, I'm not sure ALL marriages require counseling at some point but I do agree that BOTH parties must participate for it to be useful. Without that you're relegated to self-improvement for your own good.
ReplyDeleteJIM B
This is a good list. I want to discuss it with my husband.
ReplyDeleteGOOD, RELEVANT STUFF. I HAD A SIMILAR CONVERSATION WITH A FRIEND ON THE WAY IN THIS MORNING. THE OUTREACH TO MEN IS VERY MUCH NEEDED. MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS AND EXPAND JERRY’S EFFORTS IN THIS REGARD.
ReplyDeleteTHX!
Some thoughts:
ReplyDeleteWomen tend to marry men hoping they'll change, but they don't. Men tend to marry women hoping they WON'T change, but they do.
Re #12: Other's people's marriages are a foreign country, and no matter how good a friend you are to one or both partners, you do not speak the language.
Not sure I agree with #17. It could be that you learn perfectly well from your mistakes, then go one to make new ones.
Sex belongs in marriage and spouses have different ideas about what they assume their spouse wants from their love life. Communication is key as uncommunicated desires can cause issues and a marriage with an unhappy sex life can lead other issues within the marriage. Couples need to talk about how their needs are or are not being meet and work on their love life just like they work on other areas of their marriage!
ReplyDeleteFrom a counselor, point by point
ReplyDeleteConflict is inevitable so trying to avoid it is futile. Learning to manage it is imperative.
Also, learning to accept that a certain amount of conflict is healthy in a good marriage is important. John Gottman (7 Principles of Making Marriage Work) says that 66% of conflicts in happy marriages never get resolved, but these couples learn to accept the differences and focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.
Men and women have fundamentally different ways of viewing the same information which can cause unexpected communication problems in a marriage.
Eg. Men often process information as something about which to debate so as to create a win-lose situation. Women do this as well sometimes, but are more comfortable with the need “just to be heard” and the need to receive validation and empathy.
Too much attention to career(s) or other distractions can cause couples to drift apart.
I’d add here that too much attention to anything – sports, church, children’s activities, Facebook, etc. – can cause couple to drift apart.
Healthy marriages require intentional effort and routine maintenance.
And a commitment to nurturing the fundamental friendship between two people who have other important commitments.
There is no "formula" for what constitutes a good marriage. A “good” marriage is determined by the individuals and what works practically for them.
While not a “formula” per se, John Gottman has some very solid research-based principles for what sustains a healthy/good/happy marriage.
Blended families and mixed marriages have unique problems which will get worse if not dealt with.
Said more positively: Blended families, etc….have unique problems which can be dealt with effectively through reading and study, learning from other blended families, open dialogue and respect, and counseling.
Second and third marriages tend to have even lower success rates than first marriages, indicating that we don’t learn from our mistakes.
I think it may be also a case of the “transitional relationship” being mistaken for the real thing.
It's a good list. I thought each of the assumptions could warrant its own blog entry! Each one could be used as a starting point for discussion between marriage partners or in a small group setting.
ReplyDelete